An Unexpected Call

Some 10 months after The Great Escape, my husband surprisingly suspended his self-imposed No Contact edict long enough to place a very bizarre call to me from overseas.

I found that quite odd.

Hmmmm …. Had New Woman granted him a temporary hall pass? Had she given him permission to call me? Or had he put on his big boy pants and taken the tape off his mouth all by himself? … (Such intrigue!)

Whatever of the reason, he’d obviously pushed the pause button on his vow of silence long enough to call me from his Love Shack Shangrila in Mumbai, India.

Wait—on second thought—perhaps New Woman wasn’t aware that he was calling me. Otherwise, why would Dear Hubs be using a prepaid calling card as he so openly stated?

My guess? To keep the call from appearing on the call log on his cell phone history or the AT&T Wireless bill that she was probably paying for—seeing as he was now a ‘kept ‘ man.

And Joan Crawford Screams: “I Said NO Wire Hangers!”

Nah, he wasn’t about to risk it. He wouldn’t want Mommy Dearest to learn of it and get implements out of the closet and whip him. But then again, maybe he would …. Hmmm … The plot thickens. (More intrigue!)

In any event, his version of why he’d called me was because he was ‘concerned’ about me.  Really? … So suddenly? … After walking out, giving no reason, and then implementing No Contact of any kind for almost a year now? (Doubtful.)

His Concern Made Me Feel All Warm & Fuzzy—NOT!

He went on to fabricate that he was calling to see how I was doing after my recent surgery to remove a baseball size breast mass.

In other words, code for: “Are you terminal and going to die yet?’

There’s no doubt in my mind that he had his fingers crossed. One of his flying monkey contacts who worked for me at my office spilled the tea. Word had gotten over to him that the biopsy results weren’t back yet.

I truly believe that he was hoping to hear grim news. We were still legally married. I had a six-digit life insurance policy through my employer. Dear Pumpkin was (not-so-transparently) sniffing around to see if he might be in line for a beneficiary payout should things go south for me.

Fingers crossed, eh Brute?

Oh, Cut The Crap!

I figured that I wasn’t likely to ever talk to him again. Our divorce was in process, due to be final in just a few days. Because of this, I told him to stop insulting my intelligence and simply tell me the truth for once.

I wanted to know … Who made the initial contact to start the affair? … Was it him?… Or was it her?

All this time he’d vehemently maintained to everyone that he’d never been unfaithful until after he left. He also insisted that this woman had chased him and not vice versa.

Yes, and I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale.

Which Lie Had He Told Last?

Funny isn’t it?—how things change with time and distance. He now told a completely different tale.

I suppose our pending divorce factored into his sudden desire to come clean.

And why not? He was now comfortably settled half-way around the globe amidst a billion people. I suspect this provided him with an added sense of insulation and comfort. That, and  the fact that Mommie Dearest (and her big corporate sponsorship) were there to protect him.

I mean, really? What was I going to do? Reach across the ocean and slap him with a rubber chicken through satellite relay? Summon the spirit of his deceased mother and proceed to tattle on him?

Nah, he knew he had nothing to lose by being honest with me.

Honesty? … Now there’s some really ironic terminology to be throwing around when referring to someone having an affair! (I crack myself up sometimes.)

Confession Is Good For The Soul(less)

Seizing the opportunity and jumping into the opening I’d provided, he quickly admitted, just as I suspected—that indeed—he had been the initiator.

He ‘fessed up, admitting that he had gone online and that he did the research to locate her. Then, based on that research, he made the first contact.

Well, duh [!] I knew that. The American people knew that. Everyone in on the globe knew that! He was the only one who seemed to believe that any of us had been buying that cock and bull story in the first place. (Whatever.)

Speak Up & Into The Microphone Please

Well, be that as it may, I continued my deposition, asking what prompted him to go looking for her in the first place.

His First Version details were that he hadn’t seen or spoken to her since high school—when she broke his tender teenage heart by dumping him so harshly on his head.

His Revised Version response to my question flabbergasted me! Now brace yourself because you’re not going to believe what he told me.

His exact words were: “Well, I just woke up one morning and there she was—standing at the foot of our bed.”

Putting A New Spin On A Reality Call

Hearing that, I started banging my cell phone on the dashboard of my car … “Um, Hello?! … Do we have a bad connection? … What did you just say?! “…

I kid you not! He spoke those words so seriously that a person eavesdropping might have assumed that I was speaking with a sane man, which based on that remark—he had proven definitively that I was not.

A Tear In The The Matrix

Had he really expected me to believe that his motivation for starting an affair and throwing away decades of marriage to run off with another woman was motivated by an apparition? A ghost of girlfriends past? Seriously?!

Was he so far out in LaLa Land that he thought that I would buy a crazy notion that an old flame from high school teleported herself half-way across the United States and crash-landed in our bedroom at sunrise? Yeah, right …

Further, did he honestly believe that she really had been there? And if he did—then just how sad was that?! Sad and scary.

But more importantly—even if we were stupid enough to believe such a thing, how would that be germane to him starting an affair and walking out on his wife and marriage based on that?

Wait, I See Movement

Let me stop and say that by the time Dear Romeo’s phone call arrived, almost a year had passed since he so callously walked out the door with no explanation.

It would be the understatement of the century to say that I’d grieved terribly over this man. But apparently not enough to annihilate my sense of humor, no matter how repressed it was at the time.

The twisted logic of his crazy-train as so bizarre that it startled my humor gene from hibernation where it had been warmly snoozing, buried deep in the ashes of my smoldering former life.

Now abruptly jarred to consciousness by the sound of such ridiculous dialogue, my sense of humor bolted upright, rubbed her eyes, winked at me, and proceeded to poke my sense of imagination in the ribcage.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this one!” announced my humor.
“You in?” my humor asked my imagination.
“Absolutely!” came my imagination’s quick reply.
They both paused and quizzically looked at me.                                                            “Okay—let’s go with it.” I said, nodding yes to their unasked question.

Party Time

Gleefully, Humor and Imagination high-fived each other. They were overjoyed that after such a long dry spell and plunge into such deep depression, that I was down for some fun and frivolity.

Next, they explained to me that in order to get the most out of the sensory experience that they were about to dish up for me, I was going to have to pretend (at least for a moment or two) that I also believed in teleportation.

They also warned me that we would be doing some reverse time-travel. And lastly, they said that I would need to be amenable to a few auditory disturbances as well.

As Steve Winwood Would Say: “Roll With It Baby”

I nodded my head in agreement and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath, wondering what these two imps were about to unleash on me.

Well, I didn’t have to ponder very long because I soon found myself being mentally transported back through the continuum of time.

Somewhere along the way though, we must’ve tripped over a jagged cloud or flown too close to the top of a mountain or something—because we skidded to an abrupt halt as we were flying backward over the decade of the 60’s.

Crash Landing

There was a loud thud. With my eyes still closed, I wondered what all of this was about. Then—ever so faintly—I began hearing an old TV program playing in the background.

I then began to hear a familiar voice speaking.

I furrowed my brow, and turned my ear in the direction of the voice and listened intently. Hmmmm …. I couldn’t yet place that voice.

Then as the volume grew louder and voice became clearer, I remembered that I’d heard that voice before—back when I was in grade school. But whose voice was it?!

System Scan In Process

As I indexed my memory, I wondered how a voice from the 60’s might possibly be relevant to my husband’s said apparition.

Suddenly, it came to me!

Yes! Yes! I recognized that iconic voice! I had a hearty laugh when I realized who it was. I snickered even more when I soon realized that what the voice was saying  was VERY relevant to what my soon-to-be ex husband had told me about his said ‘visitor’.

Take a listen: